restrictions......
was blog-hopping and was reading this blog abt a couple who has a lot of restrictions from the parents. my doa's are with u, pal, even tho i dont know u. i know how it felt, just that this time it is from your parents. but it seems to go well with u now... alhamdulillah...
well, i had restrictions too when i was in a relationship years ago. the relationship was in the fifth year when the restrictions started to arise. we still carried on seeing each other secretly for another year before calling it quits. it was his call.
yeah, at first, i was very devastated. well, who wldnt rite? after six years being together, and then, it's all over. i was very fragile when it happened. didnt even tell anybody for the first 2 weeks as i dunno how to. suddenly i became a loner. i dun really remembered when i actually told ppl that the relationship was over. the first two months were sooo bad. i can just cry over simple things, simple questions like "how are u?".... the tears just started to flow whenever ppl ask me that question.
even when i was in brisbane, the memories with him still came back to my mind. the doors to my heart just shut to everybody. didnt even bother to make new friends... i was scared of rejection yet again... the first one hurts sooo much that i told myself i wldnt want to be in a relationship that soon.
i do think abt him sometimes... we shared loads of happy memories together. who wldnt when u spend 6 yrs of your life together. sometimes, i wish i bump into him outside. but i never had the chance. most of my friends and even abg ir and along saw him before.... maybe Allah has the reason why he dun want that to happen yet.
when a fren told me that he is getting married in feb, i was a lil shock. i already knew that he was already seeing somebody months after we broke up. anyway, he is of a marriageable age. but then, when the first story came, i was kinda numb.. the story didnt really sink in my head. i was in dazed actually. but last two saturday, when my fren text me saying that the wedding will be the next day, i read the text msg over and over again to see that it is real. only then, reality started to hit me. i believed, by the time my fren text me, he must have gone thru the solemnisation. he was someone's husband now. i dunno why but i started crying. the whole day i was crying. when mak knocked on the door, she looked at me and ask, "apasal nie? mabok ker sibuk?" to which i answer, "xxxx nak kahwin besok." then, mak sat beside me on my bed and start to talk, to advise me to let it go and what nots. its not that i havent let it go. well, maybe not fully. but i came to the fact that i know that the both of us will never be together again. i came to the fact that there's no way we cld have work it out. but i just felt hurt. and that's the reason i cried the whole day.
was dwelling on the idea whether i shld go to the wedding or not. he hasnt invited me and my friend's fiance wasnt keen on the idea to bring me along. and lots of ppl are against the idea of me going. most ppl dun think i am strong enough to go thru it all again, after knowing what happen before. but my heart and my head kept telling me to go. i have to go. sunday came, and i woke up kinda early that day. my eyes were still wet and sore, and my head still thinking if i shld go. only at abt 11, i told myself, i have to go, alone if i have to. well, no one was willing to follow me. it's alrite, i understand. i took a cab and reached the wedding at abt 12.30. saw his friends, said hi. saw his sister, said hi. his dad saw me, and he said hi. his dad has always been the rational one of all. his mum didnt see me or she was pretending not to see me. not that i didnt give a damn anyway. hehe
saw him walking down the stairs, all i can say he was a lil shocked to see me. i said my congrats, he didnt say anything back. went to his mother, i salam her then said what i was suppose to so, and i left. the mother didnt say anything either.
i left the place, went back to abg as' place which was just a road away. had my last cry, and i felt better. to me, it's a closure. that's why i have to go. ever told him before, that he shld invite me for his wedding and i had something to say to his mum. but he didnt invite me, but i still went. i felt relieved.
i have no more tears left for him. to me, he is history. he was my past. he did play a huge part in my life, no doubt abt it, and for that, i thank him. but now he is someone's husband.
i've moved on. long time ago in fact. to those who think that i havent, u are wrong. just that the way i deal with it is a lil different. i know what my heart says. anyway, thanks to those who believed in me... and a bigger thank you to those who dun believed in me, who doesnt believe that i cld be strong in dealing with the matter of heart. you guys are just wonderful. i love you guys loads.
*to my dearest fren, u know who u are, thanks for telling me abt the details. i'm sorry that i'd attended the wedding without informing u. i know i shldnt. but i have to. if i didnt attend it that day, my heart wont be at peace. i wld still had not have this closure for everything. i needed to go. i have my reasons. it's just something that i have to do for myself, not for anyone else. sorry if i put u in a spot. i am truly sorry.*
*to my dearest cousin, ppl dun just remembered that they are sick. ppl know that they are sick. u can just tell me straight if u dun like the idea. i can accept it better, and i know how to deal with it. thanks anyways. no matter what, i love u so much. *hugs*
phew.... cant believed i wrote it all down. never talked abt this sooo openly before. but, i'm alrite now. trust me... i am not that fragile as what most ppl say.... i know somehow i can 'act' a lil 'gung ho', it just the ego in me. that's how i have to stay positive in life...
hi dear..hope u getting better ...actually i dont know u used to have someone for so long...but life must goes on rite...everyone has been rejected or rejected someone before...just look what's ahead for u...insya Allah ur fate will be much better one...
By 
, at
2/3/05 11:57